Timothy Dexter – The Luckiest Business Man Who Dropped Out at 8


Episode Transcription

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Hey Man: what's up, have you ever heard of Timothy Dexter, Timothy Dexter, Timothy Dexter S got a laboratory? No, he does not Timothy Dexter Timothy Dexter T if I say it over and over you act like he's going to show up to x, Timothy Dexter o the name. Don't say you five times: Who's, symathy Dexter. So Timothy Dexter, he is quite possibly the the world's first like rags to riches story. Okay, but let me ask you right: Now we go a live show. Is there going to be aliens? I just want to get out, like God and your friend start saying, you should shoot that guy, you should did I use so much blubber s e o of my biography. His loge was keeping frappy. I Ra someone's putter vilets a all right. First rags richest story, there's no aliens. I want to do that to you. I want to do that to you, there's no things. I could work it in, though, we'll see I'll find a point. Okay to the Dexter. He is the he might be. The luckiest person to ever live the things that happened in his life. I can't even begin to compete hand luckier than the guy who survived to atomic bombs. I don't know now that you bring that up. He is guy until what is that on thousand nine hundred and forty five forty four years to deck for a live, what your so he was born in seventeen forty seven, oh early yeah, so he's early early he's an earlyer guy now for sure, but he's alive he was really reladen it, okay, so, okay, so Timothy Dexter we're going way back. I was born in Seventeen. Forty seven in this town called Malden Massachusetts. Okay, his parents were were lower class, lower class citizens as if you will rags he dropped out of school at the age of eight to work on the family farm, so not sue. I thought you're going to be like because he was like I'm too good for this. I, like an eight year olds. Like I got it, I got it. I could do better than yeah this education thing, not digging a to me doing man in five times three fourteen got it got it a dud. I don't know anybody got farm. I can work at youthe over confidence of eight year old dude, so he warn't there for a little while, but at the age of sixteen he said man a little while this kid worked, eight years somewhere, eight years as a farm hand, okay or man in Massachusetts and at the age of sixteen he said you know what this is really put in a lot of weight on my body like this is making the age quickly sixte sixteen, he said my boy sit, can't take it anymore yeah. He felt he felt himself aging. So he did what anyone would do in that moment and heard no, all right, I'm done with school and also it's time that time. Sixteen, like the forty right like there yeah it is s s Yeh tied like a twenty eight yeah. He was he was at the end. I know he walked to Newberry Port Massachusetts, which is not a quick walk. If he maps it on maps, it'll tell you what ye then you die, it's a long walk, and so I team he walks to me be for it and he becomes a Tanners, a Atanas apprentice. so He's learning how to Tan hides right. Everything to this point not super important right, but what happens while he's here is incredible because wiles Tanen hides yeah. He so he's tanning hides he's saving up his money. He saves up a couple thousand dollars with a lot of money for that time. Yeah and the Revolutionary War is coming to a close and throughout the revolutionary war, the government they have, what they call the continental currency, and so this currency was what they were paying their soldiers with. They just made it up. It wasn't real money. They were just like we're we're, say: Coins Yeah, we're I er possibly dying well, like here's the deal we're in revolt right now against. Oh Yeah. We have no money right. So here's a bunch of fake money and maybe if we win it'll, be worth something they won and the guy came or something well: Okay to Er, as I haver those co just kidding Hyeah, you know a yeah reber those coins. We gave you there's this new story for de man. For this stuffed animal. You can use that at Chucky. Jesus s Charles Jesus, the former, they were more formal. It was his grandfather, who's, checking to rucket the ten hundred yeah you gotta gotta get there well when the government was established a bunch of the the whigs. You know the way my wig they just put Google eyes on in Thee. Here's your whey going with that! Now, let's e founding father, O okay, we with googly eyes we just when we drew them. The artist drew them and they were like. This is creepy what Eve moblots they could be exchanged for coins, Oh yeah, so the goterie government said: okay, we can exchange the Cuttin on a currency, and then the people in the government were like what, if we didn't do that like what, if like, we just didn't, have to pay them like a war one, and was it like a thing that was like? Well? Okay, so if you put money in the hands of the people, who literally just want a war, want a revolt, I was going to say: Wouldn't it, how do you keep them from her? It's like it's. Like a you know the girl, cheats on you. If a girl, if you're you're dating a girl, who's cheating on her boyfriend, she's going to cheat on you yeah, if you pay the people who revolted there, a revolt on you eventually yeah. So that's a good point. You just got o know that you're, like a weird, that's good logic. So so there was this big debate in Congress at the time. It's like. Do we pay these people or do we not and so till going on by the way they're still debating that so so the government was like back and forth on this right, yeah and meanwhile, these continentals everyone's, just like this money's useless like they're, never going to pay us. This is never we're, never going to be able to Olin our middles, the contoor con up, continentals yeah, and so this phrase arose. Whenever you had something that was super useless, you would say that's as valuable as a continental because it was useless. It had no value. You know. I heard your wife say that so much about you and I just never understood the reference I get that now breen. Thank you! That's good, so the continental was worthless. Abigail enjoy that one! It's not gonna happen more is, I hope, to a last more just can't stop now just and it was naif a joke, so the CONDITA was worthless. Yeah, nobody saw any value in it. Yeah said Timothy Dexter. He had a couple things a bit coin thing where he was like were like all of the sudden just surges. He started continental market bets yeah. All men, twitter, listen, Shark, Clinton, continentals, okay, because in a few years this is going to blow up. I promise come in hands baby diamond hands. Also telling you one day that car is not going to have a horse in front of it. I promise I promise. You know this guy's pretty crazy, so he he takes his full thousand dollars. His couple thousand five s to the moon and he goes, and he just goes to all these ex soldiers. A ton of continentals he's like give him to me, and he just starts buying him off of them. But here's the thing the value of them was so low at this point, so he was literally US dollars established at this point. No, no! No! What is he buying them with he's buying them with like British money like because they were in a nation COCO? I don't know what do you call Britain Great Britin, the UK Norwegian reticere British dollars friend? I don't know where you knew Brit, Bratina, Patita. Okay, so end all these roties dollars ye had all the all this money and so he's collecting continentals trading. What re so valuable yeah for the continentals, the CONTENTA, didn't make any sense they got them like they were like. The denomination was like two dollars: Seven dollars: Thirty eight dollars, it didn't make any sense, but they were so not valuable that anybody would take really really low like low ball offers. For him, like literally fractions of a penny, was what he was getting these for. He was getting two three and a buck. SEVEN DOLLAR NOTES: Yeah! There's a button. Give me all you give me all you got now, so he was getting so much of these continental doughters bags of cone walk around with all these continentals for fractions of a penny yeah. Well, then, the government is going back and forth right and then finally they come to a conclusion. They say: Okay, here's! What we'll dom well allow them to trade these for bonds, but they're, ten percent of their value, which is way more than what he bought them for, and so he was able to go trade a I with these bonds at significantly high a higher value than what he bought them for so overnight. I just got rid of all my buttons for the just bags of Fuckin. Why? Okay, I go back to Puoti was hoping you would fill in the gaps there, so he so he overnight become incredibly rich, and I tried so hard to find someone who figured out the value that he got: okay, okay, it was just insane because he went and he bought two ships like not boats, ships and he in an estate. He bought all this stuff incredibly like over hips super wealthy two ships who ship I'm with you in a house two ships in a house and a total buttons school bottoms. I got a ship full of buttons and, if that weren't a story enough after this mount happened. After all this happens, he meets this woman named Elizabeth Frothingham and she's. A super. Seventeen hundred Sir Ham, is that name around Google that is there a NA. Is there anybody named, Not Elizabeth froths? The frothing is even here lasting trouting ham shut up Joe Joe RAPINAT LOUIS RE yeah. There is wow there's a lot on it. All like this is like super actually is a master hairstyles dum linked in with the last name, propping an frothing Hashes. Fifty four connections connect. How old is that hair stylist? I don't know it doesn't say the age they start they. You know that in the early two thou hundred their shop was like you know, I don't do frosted tips, I do frocked or there was. It was a car person. When I was growing up. There was a car radio car radio. There was a radio ad who the guy sold cars, they all have radios, but at the end his name, I don't remember his name, it was something it was frost right, it rock a dealership and at the end he would say, keep it frosty. Oh No, and I just thought, that's the that's the peak of just sleazy car salesman. That really is just so anyway. If I had a his crazy that you said that, because Elizabeth she was recently a widow and her husband was very wealthy as a card dealer sure and his loge was keeping froppery come on down because your carriages, they don't Rick it around. You know it was only. It was a weird voice, one saying the end: A E come on o we got a you know the talking real fast and the D just go, keep it for osteen. That's weird. We've got palaces that on at the Elizabeth. She really was a wealthy widow. Her husband was very wealthy and she inherited all of his money when he died yeah when he died, and so now she's very rich, also yeah and he starts courting this woman and they get married so her riches and his new riches. They are some of the most wealthy people in the state of Massachusetts, Oh and so now, with his new found status, Timothy Dexter says. Well what do I do? I should start a shipping empire he's like. I got two ships. I got a lot of money yeah. Let's do a shipping empire, so he hires a whole crew and he says what can I start to ship, and so he makes a lot of friends in his gated community in Massachusetts and here's the thing it's been gatherin starbucks, his good debora are not a fan of Timothy Dexter. Is Contemporary Okay Yeah his peers? If you will they're, not fans of him, because because here's the thing they don't think he's legitimate because he's not like he just got lucky and made a ton of mole has legitimate money now. Well, he does but oh they're treating him like a like a lottery person who won a yeah like he just won something and now he's here like and all of them there old money. There was no new money at the time. Like new money didn't exist everyone's on mine, and so I do they treat him like the neighbor who moves into like a really big neighborhood, and then it collects boats in his back yard. Yeah Yeah I worded out both you know it just like, like the back yard, just overgrown and all stuff er looks over and they're like yeah. They treat him like a dude who droped down to school at eight he's, not one of our Contini, really don't like that contemporary over there. All my other Kay temporaries I enjoy. Did he take her long? It Frothingham? No, he did not but anyways, so they did not like him and just because they don't just because they're, but the out they're legitimate they're, like my Granddad, gave me this money yeah, I'm glad those people aren't around anymore fat on by tickets. To our show, I repear a very let's be odes all we're all middle class. All right. We have a very specific audience Caesar there, homeowners here, homeowners, homeowners, wow, wow, quite a few wow. I hate that our listeners are further ahead than I am. I bet you know. I don't like that. So yes, so he is at some party trying to just bounce business ideas off of everyone around them right and someone tells them they said. Well, hey the West indies down Caribbean. I hear they don't have any any bed pans like bed heating pans, so they what they had at the time. I don't know what technical term I o have the wood they. So they had these bed pans, but they were for heat, drag, get they weren't. Just like the pans tied. What are you trying to describe a that? warmers they're called Tad warmers. They came to me and they were they look like a little like, like you know, those popcorn that you pop on the stove. You know I'm talking about yeah and then it's like pops up and you're, like Oh cool pop wor. No, I a said yeah and you kept going. I appreciate it, they had the same thing, but you open end up. You filled it with hot coals and you stuck it at the foot of your bed yeah to warm your bed up because they didn't have like the E in a bed Pan Yan, it's not the same thing at all. Well, that pays worth the same fig the heating elements different. We can't stay on now. We got regit off that pot because it was so and they have heaters, and so they would just stick this hot pan in their feet and wet their bed up. It sounds like a good way to come upper class. All right. The lower cans were setting their mat to fire in a lot of casualties. You know a gate, the matches, the man we at there just yeah. We got. We got ten minutes before we're gone, so honey. How I can't Ford the mattress matches. I hate that so that they were shipping it to a place that was really hot, all the time yeah, and so they didn't need bed pans. BED WARMER AD warmers. They didn't need better warmers, basehead, ers yeah, the space eaters, but Timothy heard this idea and he's like that's a great idea. They have none, they have none of those there there's no market, it's an untape market, and so he buys a hundred thousand of these bed. warmers loads it up in a ship and sends his crew out to the West indies and he's expected to trying to sell was a show, a lot of money. Snow shovels in Los Angeles. Where am that's exactly what he did so he gets there and his captain isn't sure what his cargo is yeah right, so they land they make lamb fall. They crash into the port. The captain wasn't sure about a lot obness, you know didn't know what was on the boat didn't know how to drive the boat. You know just rammed into the shore they get there. The captain opens with the cargo and he's like. Are you kidding me he's like these? People don't need this, but he realizes while he's there he's like you know what molasses is the biggest export of this place, I'm going to tell them. These are molasses. Spoons- and so so he goes to a bunch of molasses experts and he's like have you guys heard on the lasses spoons, the last a sex or to teach molasses classes, Yep Yep, molasses, Tech A, and so they sell out the everyone laste spoon. I'm really glad we clarify that they were bed warmers and not bet pan to those gay, just bed pans of molasses, so they just make up a new use for H, m yeah. They just pretended something else and everything, but a big they're like they're, very large, they're, very large and they're like this, is better than the spoons. We were using tea spoons to spoon out all this molasses. Now we got this whole molasses spoon a yeah, so they sold out, and so the ship comes back with so much more money, and so now his contemporaries like hold on it seems as though he has used the boats in his back yard and returned fruitful and so so yeah there their matter staring out their window e o dust grunt to old man. Just so so they were shocked to see his success yeah. So they had to devise a new plan, so they came to him and they said. Okay, you know what else the Western des need there is like. What else can we lie about were like Oh yeah? This looks like you know. They said you know what else the best in these needs. They said Mittens, they need lots of mittens and he was like you know what on tap market mittens down there and all their hands naked and was a making hance a great idea? Is it great yeah? Thank you, Jefferson, I'll load up the cargo go lot of the cargo. To was Jefferson. Is that what you said? Thank you. Jefferson Jefferson is still mad about the I I'm trying to get into a mitten market. He bought all the Mittens and Massachusetts all the Massachusetts. Mittens are gone, so they're mass producing Massachusetts, Mittens Yep for mass transit got Kaso, so they get them they get into the West indies and, as luck would happen, you all like swampy hands what you going to convince him on that, as look would have it. There is a group of traders there from India that were about to head up to Russia and they had no mints, and so they bought all of the Mittens on the boat. It's gonna be cool. Where we're going do we use some of that? I would be man at this guy. You know, like your, I let's say you're, one of the founding fathers you lie like. First of all, we were volted, we were did the trying to build a country, and Tim over here is selling the mittens. That's where the the West indies, so then at Tosti comes back with another boatload of money. Another bow load of money insane. How is this guy's getting? He starts going by Lord. Nobody gave him the title he just gave it. He was now Lord Dexter, yeah and now people hate him even more, Oh yeah for sure, due because men, if you meet somebody and they're like what was your first name again, oh you can call me lowered. I'm sorry, did you say Lord Lord, or a Lord? No Lord, Lord Lord de Lord Dat, Hey and you ever heard of till in podcast March. That's right: We've got a full march store of tilling branded, teas mugs stickers, hoodies a lot more and we put out new designs with every episode, but those are only available for a limited time. So you got to get those while they're hot text Tilono six, six, eight six six to get access to our exclusive merchandise. So so no one like this guy and there was a kind of phrase of the time- a college where you say: You're shipping cold to Newcastle, because Newcastle was the top manufacturer of coal. I he was like. I Bet I can sell it. Well, here's what happened! So when you do something really dumb some one man say it's like you're shipping cold to Newcastle and someone said that to him and they said he's having all this luck and they're like you're, just shipping cold to Newcastle and he says, should I do. That is no honesty. I'm taking business advice from anybody yeah, so he ships a bunch of cold Newcastle and you're, NOT gonna! Believe this. The ship ports a Newcastle and there is a minor strike, so the whole city is out of call and they're like we can use that. We can use that as as it were, we have no cold and so low and behold this guy tells him to ship cold, the Newcastle he does it and to his dismay, the ship comes back to Massachusetts plenty money. At this point you got to think he's a magician as you got to think he might be an alien or a wizard and it doesn't stop there. The things just kept getting crazier and crazier and crazier he for some reason he had this obsession with rounding up stray cats. At what point does you know, because you use the word of session it? Does it cross from like a hobby? Were he got a ship load of cats? Well Yeah! If it's? When do you hit the point where you hire a team to round up stray kittens for you, and so he he really does. He gets a shipload of kittens and he ships them overseas and when they get to where they were going. There was a infestation of rats and sort of ones like give me your cats. Give me your cats, give your cats for these rats, so we need more cats, I'm trying to wrap my head around this wrap it I am like I bet. Noyo know this stuff happens to this is what happens at Reagan. Reagan is like a lucky person, yeah right, like she changed her own breaks and then those brigs broke yeah because she changed them, but then, at the same time, like she's on a phone with me and a tow truck driver just pulls up, and it's like hey I'm on the way. To this other thing I get to take your car for free. Oh my Gosh, you know that doesn't happen to. Is it you ever you that doesn't happen to you? Then you lock your keys in your car today, three hours ago, three hours ago, I was an office deep is sitting in the Office Depot Park. It glad called my wife delivering samplers, you wouldn't believe it, but he was trying he was to take safe. I'M gonna sell these seers. Had you heard of this your out front trying to undercut off Sebois, hey Ma as got to sell these? For My kid you know I guys got to get rid of these. You know I give you five for a button, just the one off your shirt, I pop it off O. that's the easiest way to do it's easy for to do it. You know you ever popped the button of someone's shirt. No, you got to use your teeth, man. I wish you were wing a sort. I have experience knowing that or what you US doing. I wish your werthes the quickest way to you know, that's how I make sure no one Tis, your buttons honestly masks up with it. I don't know where this Pat's going resolve. So the cat took care of the rats, the cats to Gar the rats and they brought a bag load of money. Others there are bad, be they trade them for Bass. Now, yes, they probably traded them for the rats. I think we could use the no. I can sall those yeah. It wasn't just the cats, though it wasn't just the cats. Another thing that he, for some reason, really wanted- and this isn't today it would be found upon. If you did this, so don't get any ideas, but he really liked whale bones for some reason, so he just got a ton of them. He had like a basement like a storage dream and it was a o bones. Here's my whalebone room to walk down US Open the door, O a small on small whale bones. You know the metatarsal is the whale metatarsus is, is a way believe it or not. Is a walther. Skeletons are tiny and said: it's just a pot water, yeah ooh, my God, so much blubber whales are tiny inside. So much beat them. Aren't we all, though so much blubber is the title of my biography. So your biography! This is someone else, wrote this ostile about you, okay, so what else is so so ye one? He has all this all these Wal Bounds and this trend kicks off in Europe for male corsets. But me here's the thing for some reason: Milk Mail courses- specifically, I don't know why were made with male war whale bones. Okay, I Alborz the rich people were killing the Akan, you know and just taking their bones for their courses. How many mail dones do that, so they trick the whale bones just squeeze squeeze their chests in or something I don't know and tipathy was like Timothy was like well, you know what I got a lot of in my base life you. I got a lot of my basement, so we export some whale bones and makes a fortune out of these well bones and he's like now, my basement's empty may, or that's next okay, so he buys makes all his money off of that now. He really is just playing like you know the youth group, where you'd start with a penny, and then you Wud just go trade that up yeah yeah kind of actual this guy's life was just like a crazy for an extreme scale. Yeah of that his use group as I go, the game ended but yeah. So we had things done with this yeah we've been chugging soda through socks. For the last I learned I and he's like. No, I'm still going, I'm collecting whale. I I I look at all my wilpon. There is a kid, a youth group who does that too. I ring and you're like what are you drawing a a Bo? I want that heck man. What are you wearing Maloka right, so timothy, a man, he found faith, and so he said you know what I can export this yeah yeah. He does. He gets a TON OF BIBLES LOVES UP A ship full of bibles ships it overseas, just as submission aries were thinking. Are you joking? No nor gosh. They said they were praying. There's a Lord bring us some bibles and then Timothy Dexter Aristis here a boat crash into the shore. Next to them, anybody needs some botles. This, the shout from the port they're just like we got Bibles S E game, all right bibles and a whale, but the souls out of Bibles we sole barble, tells all the bibles. This guy is just insanely rich he's one of the most wealthy people in the whole nation. In fact, he loaned the United States government five million dollars in that day's currency insane Lee. How much is that nigh? I don't know. Let's take a look what you think that I don't know exactly the year around the time frame: Seventeen! No! I would have been probably like eighteen, ten, okay, let me at five million, do as I abeen ninety seventeen. Ninety, at least what you say. I said at least six million all right here we go inflation, calculator com. I got her wind faith, hoping that that's a thing. I worked. Five million a D D ventured ninety go whale bones for sale com, see if that one, just if not it will be the end of the night, we got a buy that no we're got it or get it say: five million in seventeen. Ninety is worth a hundred and forty nine million dollars on Le Cow. This guy's insanely rich insane, Lee rich and everybody hates him for it. They hate him for it and he knows it. So he leans and he goes it. He leans into it. This guy buys this massive estate in Massachusetts, yeah the massive Massachusetts state and massive Massachusetts Mansion and the things that this man did to this house. Okay, I don't know why you said like that. Okay, he he wanted to make it the most opulent place in the world, and so he built this garden, this massive massive garden outside and he erected forty statues of prominent people in the world, and so it was George Washington, William Pitt Napoleon, Bonaparte, Thomas Jefferson and, of course, himself yeah, obviously yeah, and it was Lord Dexter. It was the biggest statue in the garden, obviously because he was the most important and it had the inscription that said on his statue on his statues, a Timothy Dexter. I am the first in the east, the first in the West and the greatest philosopher in the Western world. I don't worry, got the foloi someone's twitter by a yes and so, and he started like painting like that's a cane west quote is like that's what that feels. Like that's one of his weird tweets, he started painting these murals on a ceiling. He started paying his walls het the sky, and this always was like Vegas like it was just insane and the nicest thing Tim could think of was Vegas. That's what he went he likes place was crazy ranson. It was why I'll tell you never seen so it's like in Vegas when you look up at the sky ceilings. Oh yeah, I don't know I've never been to that place. Oh my gods, full of sin you've been with me as an accountability partner. All right. We only went because Heman bree warm mayor. We to follow the bill. I Graham rule all right. I was gonna. Onsay went there on your honeymoon that was Goin to try to be like. I had to go to rule, but then I decide not to, but here we are, we can edit it out. His house was just so over the top right and everybody knew it. Everybody was like I hate. Looking at that thing. I hate walking by and having to see it because it's just too ridiculous yeah, especially his wife, so she made him bias Elizabeth. She made him buy another house for her she's like I want to listen, be for him, not that, of course, Frothingham propping. That's right worth oth words forward. They named a city after her propping it okay, propping a Lisbeth, had a separate house. She see and that's a is calling she just was like. I will not live there. Okay did she get a statue? I don't think so. Maybe that's thirty. You built a state for yourself. Would you give one to breathe? Of course, I'm sure would you give one to me now now? Definitely not would you give one to me? Okay, okay, I would have said yes as me. First, are you kidding me? I would give you a statue. If you had a statue on your property of you, you would build a statue of me to go along with it. It would submit your body and let you die out there and then people would be like what happened to him. I go. I don't know he disappeared up that statue out for him. Yeah ad, so remember, don't had to open it or nothing. YEA His face looks terrified a didn't dry, quick enough. I covered you and sit and your face is like and then you're stuck like that for ever. This is how you'll remember me here with the inscription says: Lord Stone Gosh Yeah, so she look at. I was trying to think of what the line about the coins was. I couldn't get it that's a I was on. It was a good call back in my head, though yeah I'll give myself crane, he got it and so because his wife didn't live in there. His son WHO's. Now an adult moves back in with him. Okay, and they turn this into the Frat House and they are just belligerently drunk all the time so much so that one time this guy was just on a walk. A leisurely walk through the R gated community and Timothy is tells us sun he's like you, should shoot that guy hold on before we laugh. Did he kill him? No dition? To do that? You know I, like you, know yeah. He says he's like you're, not gonna, do it I'm gonna. Do it I'm a very dry person and you should shoot that guy. That's when you know it's time to get an over I'm a very person. If your friend start saying, you should shoot that guy, you should, then I t yeah call them an Uber. Send them home. That is like Vegas satinet shoots that the guy misses horribly, because he timothy did it to. He was like you're, not gonna, do what I'm going to do. I miss is m a bunch he's like you should shoot that guy and I some like yeah. That's your state you're not go to it to every night he's like all these people outside looking at our house. Those are you put those there. There are forty people in r there's forty individuals, I wouldn't call the crowd, but it's something all right. There's a gathering outside one of them's, the leader he's bigger than the others of the scared, so that got didn't walk by that house anymore. I I got to change my routine over that a different different route, different root, but the house got famous. I mean it was famous already, but it got even more famous for being a place that was offensive to look at and then here's the next part of the line. That is more a interesting. It was offensive to smell rough, so yeah, so this house went down on a hard time with this mica. I want to be okay, yeah, it's really difficult hold on my thought on Certeau it out, we can cut it out my hand. Is Too big, we'll cut it out, we'll cut it up. I feel like we're not going to cut it out. My Mikak fell off earlier. It's on the floor. You just want to do yeah. It fell, but I was like you know. What show US right right there on the front were: Go, go all right! Okay! So anyway, where were we? God changes routine yeah? Have you ever heard of Timothy Dexter? Oh my God yeah. We didn't record this whole time. This is new sore, laugh again, all right got it got it we're going to put it in post either way. I'm glad you can I'm glad you came through on that. So the House reeked, the house mounds, really bad. The house was really bad. He had a third floor that was entirely for parties, but it stout being used because everyone's like I don't want to smell that place. Yeah, and so do you think it was the whale bones was smelling in the house. Do you know what was smelling? Are you just saying it smell bad? The quote is literally was offensive to smell, and then in giving context is just this place was to fend is how they talked to yeah the places offensive to smell yeah. How bad does something have to smell for you to be offended by it like it's like you can smell something and be like that's gross that for you to be. Like I offended of tamed by that Smell, I don't know it's got to impact your life yeah, okay, anyways, so these two were disgusting is the more of the story. Well, Timothy is he's made a ton of money in his life right and he's starting to become suspicious of all of his peers, because he noticed he's going back through the script of his life. He's like wait a minute. You guys didn't like me before he's going through the script of his life. He's like no one comes to my parties, any more and he's like he's. Like all the business advice, I've ever gotten. I think they were trying to ruin me he's like. I think they were trying to financially ruin me and she says you know what I wonder that what they would do if I was dead, and so he builds a mausoleum and he faces own death. I am a big fan of this guy and he gathers his family. He gets his wife and his children. He says come around children. I need you to act like I'm DA and everybody just says: Okay, and so they hold this funeral at this mausoleum and he's hiding on a e say he died. I don't know they didn't say, but he faits he fakes his death and sure it was easier to fake your death back then, to again I miss those days. You know I mean like it was easier to disappear, easier to fake. You could just have someone spread, a rumor that you died, yeah and no one's going to be like well. It says that he's online on Instagram, so he also at that time. You could be like. Oh to ghost, all right have you or a love worn, been diagnosed with too many advertisements during the till an podcast. Have we got good news for you, our patrons, enjoy, add free experience and they get early access to content behind the scene, stuff, exclusive merchandise and access to a private discord channel. We all are in it our producers and the hosts. So if you'd like to be a patron today and solve that problem, why don't you text till in to six sixty eight six, six yeah? So so he sits in the mausoleum and he watches this funeral. Three thousand people show up. Three thousand people show up to his funeral and they don't think he's dead and his kids are selling it. His kids are doing a great job. They are sobbing you have to yeah, they are selling it. Oh Hey! I think it's all. I think pizza is calling no way no way hello. This is Tim, hey how's, it going. Oh sorry, it's the fourteen yeah it's! The Rhino awesome sounds great. Thank you. I know about that. Gene was so confident in Miskes Corporate America pay all right well hold on this. I got time to pull it through. Do they, though, also I like your delivery driver? I do like him a live hi. This is me from Pizza H. I love this guy. I hope he wins. I think I come on stage. This is what my worry is that he's going to show up and then not want to come in the room yeah. Is it just going to be nervous? It's gonna have stage fright stage fright. I was just worried about. Like I mean, would you deliver okay anyway? So you think you, okay, thanks for by time, I believe in Minsky's, I don't okay, so his kids are selling it they're, sobbing, you sotting their eyes out, but his wife she's, just kind of enjoying the party she's got a drink. She's mingling she's, just like Aeon, goes on at that big house. Seyo know, in my mind, he's been dead for years. He sly he's, like you know what I've done. This has been dying before it's, it's not he's a land, so she's just enjoying it and Timothy is getting frustrated because she I whispering from them, he's like estarse it don't better and she's. Like Hmm, your house smells my house doesn't. Is that whatever his guest said? If he funeral good man smelling house, L Sel else the whale bowls so he's just watching his funeral he's watching his finer and he's just fuming at Elizabeth Fuming frothing at Frothingham and oh my gosh. I see your gyrae God you guys ready for this. I think Kalas trying to talk him into it. I was like listen was like listen. We give you a lot of money for this. You got to do your part already, oh praise, God he's so nervous. He does not want to do this. He doesn't want to come in. I hope he I hope he comes in. I'm really excited for this. Here we go. Everyone Start Sorry, peds Hut, Petah me a hut. Please we're gonna give the anyway. He was a Naini love that guy. I love that guy. There's no pizza in here. Anybody want some pizza. I love it before you even offered it Joe wait. Are you no eat that Pizza Joe got here? I four hours early Joe as a towel with our faces on it, so they came to my show in St Louis, with a picture we had taken in like two thousand and seventeen and then put her on a towel, my God and then we took a picture a think. You deserve a pzzant to offer it. I love that immediately we're like they're going to hand that to me that's my pizza. That was confidence, you know. Well, so does the next guy is mice's gonna get two trophies. Then I guess so great everybody gets there. You here something I wanted to boo the second place, but we were told we can't do that. So I mean. Does that hurt? I think it's Hilarious, but I guess hack is ticking Minsky's all right so so so timothy is watching to is funeral ye sing. His funeral happen frothing at Frothinghamyes, and he says you know what I've had enough and so he sneaks out of the mausoleum and just start berating Elizabeth in the middle of the wake. The priest is like doing the speech and he gets so mad. He like grabs a cane and starts hitting her with it, he's like you're, not doing good enough yeah like I really really angry and everyone's like wait. A second is that Timothy Dexter is that that guy who's funeral writ guy looks some out like that statue over there as Timothy I'm offended by the smell and by the fact that he's hitting his wife with that molasses, but what's happening, and so everyone's like you're, not dead. I can you please do this for me I want to. I. Can you all to show up to my funeral Jowis, a pizza? Is there to Ekowe O next Saturday Bridie in two weeks. You know it's like fat. I was gonna say you know. What's murder, we, I said fake, okay, but also fat. All right, so he's like you know, ruining his funeral absolutely ruin his own fe by being alive and everyone's like really mad about it, and he just says you guys want a party drinks on me and just turns it into this massive turns out he's a live party and everybody just kind of dances, the night away and forgets about it. Okay, it's, like you, know, ship and Colin New Cai's, like sorit your own funeral. You know it's a sane. It works out. It works out. I guess, and so the Guy Yeals be honest. This event wasn't great for their marriage, it's kind of fracture between the two of them. Luckily, she already moved out a long time ago. Yeah, you don't got to like do all that stuff yeah. So he just starts telling everyone he yeah l anyone's having fun like hey. Can we just forget about the whole, like me, Yellin, an Gian hit with that molasses, food and she's like no. We can't forget about that. We wouldn't have done it. If you would said Nice things yeah. If you would have acted sad, a little bit, it actually sounded like Maro's counseling. I wouldn't have done that if you had done this so so he now. He has a track record of this, because now he starts telling everyone that Elizabeth is dead. Oh yeah they're saying that can't be they're saying they can't be O se. This, like, like you know she left me yeah. So ons like what happened to Lizbeth she's dead she's a really saw her at the dollar general, a general. How long is do General de saw her the Coil General? What did you say to Canina Lieutenant? I don't know at they call an Canea tree, so people did exactly that. They said well. That can't be because I just saw Elizabeth yeah and he was like well that was her ghost s like yeah. You might have seen her wan talk to her ghost. Her Ghost doesn't like me, yeah she's, rude and so they're like they're e a, but we see your coming into your house all the time and he's like it's a ghost. It's a Gush. That's her ghost watch out for evil, ghost coluche out for her evil ghost, and so he starts. He becomes kind of like this street profit kind of guy, so he just kind of hangs out on the side or on the street corners telling people about how he could run the government better and his wife is dead. He lose it or is he like? I think he lost it a long time, probably preak funeral. I honestly, probably before he got out of the what I, how old, are you when you're eight? What grade are you in or the second grade? How old are you with your hat? Probably Second Grade, I think that's when he lost it. When he's like now, I should drop out okay. This is a slow spiral. That's low, so now he's out on the streets being like watch out for that he's followin around town dude he's like a cuss over there, don't talk to her she's post once I when we were in Los Angeles, once we went down to Hollywood, Boulevard, N and one of the street performers just like leans over another step before and points at me, and this goes that guy is a cop and that's so confident and serious, very like be careful at he's a code. So that's what did you arrest him? Oh yeah, I fall into his car, followed home, really leaned into it, or now he was doing some drugs, so I turned out he was a cop, for it was a trait feeling so that guys, a cop and the cop who's under cover. As a Hollywood street performer in this scenario, just Hollywood spider man's just out there and he's like in the suit sweating like don't blow my cover, sweet, doesn't suspect the thing okays he's telling everybody about how he could do everything better than everybody is he's: braiding priests, Brading, the government brading his wife, like everybody that exists he's like I'm better at all this than you. I could do it better and he's like. I can prove it by the ship loads of anything. I could sell and give me a ship load of whatever I'll sell it for a lot of money, because I'm better than all of you and so he's one of those guys right, and so he says you know what makes sense for me at this stage. In my life essays that Mat by the podcast weren't around that guy's time, you know he would have had one and it would have been popular and that well, you know what was around at that time. The newspaper was what was around the printing press books yeah, so he wrote a bullet obviously, and this book is literally called a pickle for the knowing ones and in this book he just goes on a tirade for a pickle for the knowing one yeah. It's about forty pages long, that's my biography about forty pages long, and he goes on this tirade about how bad the government is, how bad Presso, how bad his wife is, and it's his big book of Philosophy. Here's a thing. There are eighty five hundred words in this book. Eighty five hundred boards. There is not a single punctuation. It's a forty page run on sentence. Forty pages, no punctuation. On top of that everything is misspelled, there's not a single work, let's to Coretti years old, lad and there's random capital letters all over the place just random here I actually have. We can see an excerpt here, I'm not I'm a you! Want readers, Lord of the the Unit States of America. America re a mercury now of newberry port. It is the voice of the wow. That's rot! It's really really really about fourth line. I love Lord Prete Souna for don't hurt a cat nor the mouse he did that he on a mouse. Did you read this? I didn't real great because this port down here says in the first place they are, are found in the next place to make out dexters Voisim. I want four lions to defend the great and Masein from east to from north to so which now are this way. I want four lions arihat the places race. The lamb is not ready and short meter. If agreeable, I form a here's. What I love about it, as he didn't say, I want four lions. He said I once I wance for love O reliance. I want four lines to defend this great end, something men from why this is mystery. Men, Merman, watchin, O the mystery. I here's the thing: here's the big! This guy's got forty statue for large cats. We're not liking this guy's, Lord exotic, a right, the Tiger Lord, so he doesn't even sell. This he's got enough money, so he just is walking around the streets like their tracks and he's like a Watusi it out to people and here's. The thing he's handing it out to people and eventually a printer, gets it and he says Oh yeah we're selling e, Oh yeah, they do a barns. Oh Go is gonna love this. I tell you what I don't know, Mr Borders. That's an old one, so the guy gets it he's like yeah we're selling this. They do eight editions that flies off the shows O. I need this. I ended it all and the other editions. So after the first edition goes live the press gets it and he gets a lot of criticism. For you know the old grammar yeah crisis import it the like. We can't understand anything but one of the biggest things I said at least add some punctuation to this yeah, and so he adds in a second edition. The publisher comes to him and is like: Do you want to add some punctuation? He said sure, and so he has an Denda at the end. So the end of the second edition, there's a page, that's a full page with a text in the middle that says for all the critics. It spelled way worse than this. It doesn't. If you read it, it wouldn't sound as good as what I'm going to Er all the crickets for all the comices for all the critics. Here are your stops and marks salt and pepper them where you would like, and the next page is this? What we just want some punctuation of your book- You do it he's like this should be enough. Tis put wherever you leave. I don't think I can see, but in this column of question marks, there's one exclamation point. This looks like something my grandma would share on facebook and be like found it. You know when you find it things, and the publisher was like yeah is, is good. What are you gonna cut it out pasted in came with a glue, stick SIC edition rap to the front, so Timothy Dexter Yeah, you wrote that you know he wrote that poetic, really when you think about it greatest is resis called full. Stop Pretty incredible, pretty incredible, and so, when I heard about this I said well, I'm going to get it shut up. WOT IS DUMB Ha. This is a pickle for the knowing ones. If you can't see the picture this is this is this: Is Him and his pup? This is going to go up on our wall. This is going to be a new piece in our studio, we're going to frame in going ones. Here's what's crazy. The second addition is impossible to find it's like a collector's on em. I tried so hard. This is first edition, so we don't have the stop page, but yeah. It's really really tough to find that second addiction or addiction addition, second edition, it's incredible and so you'll see. This is amazing. You'll see this in our studio. From now on, we're going to hang it up on the wall. Well, maybe not from now on. We need to find a place to put it but wow at some point soon. We'll hang that up somewhere, I tickle for the knowing ones so got. What is the dedication you put into the craft an it says, Lord Timothy Dexter original edition with illustrations? Did he illustrate it? No, he didn't all a so. This is a later like where someone else so you're saying that hat is proportionally correct. That's what he was or back up, that's a he ha. The dog are proportionally correct. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's wearing a little dog and I said, that's actually a whale bone on his head. Incredible, incredible, wow to the dexter he's a legend wait, even the even the title of it. It's a pickle for the note and then the one is not capitalized what it looks like I mean this, a petal, the sub title where's this sub time I mean. Is it not on the front on the front of it? Is this the set title I don't know read it. Let me know pickle for the knowing ones by Lord Timothy Dexter, with an introductory preface by a distinguished citizen of old newberry. Fourth Edition. What's the pre, oh, what's the you were trying to find me to tell me to do what some time yeah I was trying to get you this sumtimes there's a some title. I thought it was on there. I guess it wasn't it the wrong addition dude! Oh my Gosh! This is almost cool. I can't remember. I can't remember what it was. I thought I thought I had that on that it is printed in Vegas just see you know, that's funny, that's why we went you bought this a couple days ago. This is prince it on demand Sata's wild yeah. So he he rode that book. Just handedd it out handed it out and it got to be pretty say every look under your chairs right, happy. Why do you look so he had surrounded himself by this group of people that were insane and one of them was a poet who wasn't good, but they wrote this poem and this kind of lives on an infamy the house that he had built after he died, someone came and they sold all of his statues. He's the thing nobody wanted them, so they only sold for a couple dollars a pot, the one thing he couldn't sell. It was because he was sad. He didn't get to sell him. Yeah, you put us on a boat, you show on the islands and they're like you tell. This is crazy. Yes, what you keep doing, wiss you looking for these ates, and so so they couldn't sell them all. They sold them off for a couple dollars and they had a bunch left over, so just pile them up and they burned them, and then they took his house and they sold. It became a tavern cycled through a bunch of owners and somebody somewhere on the line said you know what we want to repaint this house, but there's pain on the walls already, and so we can't paint over it, and so they said, let's burn the paint off, so they burnt like half the house down. Obviously I took care of that pay out. The was I saw that that's that's a quick dip, OATTA's gone so so a historical society got their hands on it. It was like half brunt down, they ended up, restoring it and they they sell it. Now, it's like some private property, but there's a plack out front written by this poet. Who was one of his friends. The poet says: Lord Dexter is a man of fame. Most celebrated is his name: Oh Gosh. He sold cats and rats and bats more precious than gold. That's pure Lord Dexter shine forever mere. So you guys are going to love this guy. We dropped out of school together, all right, so here's the thing he did die he died had a big funeral. It's how I feel show his actual one. I don't know there's that he like no we've been to that one eel catch the next one. I would be interested to see how wife did in that one, but yeah so upon his death, though the paper went to some of his contemporaries, his business partners, and they asked for a quote- and this is the quote. I said his intellectual endowments are not something to be exalted. A was it that was the club. I oh, he died. I you want a cop for me, yea you're, Goin, say something: okay, he just doesn't see what the kind of guy who knows what's going yeah and here's here's the craziest part of it all just before his death just or for his death. He was, he had been long retired from the shipping industry right. He had made all his money. He was too busy right in books. Now right, none of the other ones got published. None of the other ones made it off the drafting table and so he's doing this career right. Yeah someone told them they said. You know what I hear is happening in Georgia right now. Oh my gosh. We got to get a ship load of fennels down to that estate. I'll, tell you what you're, having a sittings of one last night is a production of space tim media produced by Christian Taylor. Audio is edited by Alice. Garnett video by CONARE social media is run by Caleb Walker and graphic designed by Caleb Goldberg, our host Er, jare, Myers and Tim Stone. Please follow some social media at Tillin podcast, that's till in poncas. Leave a review comment subscribe wherever you are. Thank you for listening to things on the last night. I

Timothy Dexter might actually be the luckiest man ever to live. Dexter was a prolific business mam at the dawn of the United States. He was one of the first people in U.S. history to rise from the lower class to the upper class. His business success, however, was entirely a stroke of luck. Few things that he succeeded in can be attributed to his intelligence or business prowess. He made most of his fortune off of tips from contemporaries trying to ruin him. Timothy Dexter, being none the wiser, took these tips and somehow got very lucky with them. This man is eclectic, lucky, and illiterate (but his book sales beg to differ). This is the story of the wild life of Lord Timothy Dexter.

Timothy Dexter the world's luckiest business man walking his dog in the woods
Timothy Dexter walks his dog and sports a giant hat.
Humble Beginnings

Timothy Dexter was born in the town of Malden, Massachusetts. At the age of eight, he dropped of school to become a farmworker. At 22, he married the then 32-year-old widow Elizabeth Frothingham who had recently inherited her wealthy husband’s estate.  This was when Dexter’s life went from plain to extravagant.

Continental Market Bets

During the revolutionary war, the United States government circulated the Continental Currency. The money was worthless, and everyone knew it. Yet, for no apparent reason, Dexter bought the currency off of everyone he could find for fractions of a penny. Over time Timothy had amassed thousands of these worthless notes.

In a stroke of unforeseen luck, after establishing the United States, the decision was made to buy back the currency from the soldiers at one percent of face value. Since Timothy had bought these $10, $20, & $100 notes for fractions of a penny, he made a massive profit from the buy-back program. With the profits, he bought ships and began his empire.

Shipping Useless Goods to Crafty Individuals

Many of the other successful individuals in Timothy’s circle were not fans of the poorly educated millionaire. So, he began receiving business tips from his peers who were attempting to ruin him financially. It started with him shipping bed warmers to the west indies. Of course, the west indies do not need bed warmers given their tropical climate. But, wise sales work from his ship captain led the locals to believe the devices were molasses scoopers and sold out.

This would become a pattern for Dexter’s business endeavors. First, he would get advice from a peer who had ulterior motives to destroy Dexter’s empire. Then, regardless of how poor the advice was, Timothy would take it and invest vast sums of money into the venture. Then, to everyone’s surprise, it would somehow pay off, leaving Timothy Dexter even more prosperous than before.

Lord Timothy Dexter and His Royal Estate

Timothy was rolling in the profits. Like many who achieved great wealth, he used that to build a mansion worthy of a king. The luxury of his estate sprawled many acres and included a fabulous house and a massive garden complete with 40 statues of esteemed individuals, including himself, of course. However, Timothy seemed to be the only person who thought the estate was something worth admiring. It was so hideous that his wife chose to move out, not due to any marital issues, but simply since she hated the house.

Timothy Dexter Throws a Funeral

One day, Dexter wondered what the people in his life thought of him. So he built a mausoleum, faked his death, and planned a funeral so he could see everyone’s reaction. His family was in on the ruse and prepared for the event. When it came time for the funeral, 3000 locals turned up. But, much to his dismay, Timothy’s wife did not act the part well enough. He then confronted her in the middle of the wake, revealing that it was all a lie.

Dexter Becomes a Philosopher

 Dexter began filling his mind with various philosophies and felt the need to teach his wisdom to the masses. So he penned a book titled A Pickle For the Knowing Ones. Unfortunately, his book was utterly incoherent. It was wrought with spelling and grammar errors and didn’t include any punctuation. Critics addressed the book’s lack of punctuation, so Dexter had an entire page of various marks and told readers to “salt and pepper” them as they saw fit.


Timothy Dexter may well be one of the first rags to riches stories in United States history. He is undoubtedly one of the luckiest people ever to live. He had a sort of mythic luck go before all of his endeavors. His intrigue only outmatched his fortune. The man’s home, lifestyle, and writing career leave people stunned to this day. Find out more about Timothy Dexter in this episode of Things I Learned Last Night.

Things I Learned Last Night is an educational comedy podcast where best friends Jaron Myers and Tim Stone talk about random topics and have fun all along the way. If you like learning, and laughing a whole lot while you do, then you’ll love TILLN. Watch or listen to this episode right now!

This episode of the Things I Learned Last Night Podcast was filmed live with an audience at the Rino in Kansas City, MO on October 30th, 2021. Thank you to all who came out, watched online, and worked to make it happen!




Timothy Dexter – Wikipedia

New England Historical Soceity

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