Kevin McCallister – The Boy Who Fought Back


Episode Transcript

Made by robots for robots. Only read if you're weird.

Hey man, what's up. Hey, Merry Christmas? Oh yeah, Christmas, Merry Christmas. What a beautiful time of the year. Yeah, it's almost over, so I hope you enjoyed it. Well, you can't times donnut Rouge Donna forsake the time of your family because you might not. I wish you were never bore. It was like their colleague cards. They would peede themselves Christmas gift for anyone in your family with a massive head. So he puts together this war plan to defend his home, and he's sort of a shorter episode if he called the police. We're going over some Yeah, this is things I learned last night. We just went and saw uh, my wife's one hundred year old uh great grandma, Yeah, yesterday. Yeah, and she got up and showed me that she's doing squats like she just I was like, how are you still walking around and stuff? And she gets up is freaking two plates, dude, I feel like twenty five. Yeah, she's freaking crazy. She threw that down and started doing some lunches in between. Yeah. No, she really was like squatting and then she like bent her knee up and like she was showing all of her mobility things that she does every day. That's pretty crazy. I was like, what about one hundred, one hundred years old? That's nuts. But anyway, the reason I said the family would take is that, you know, because we we moved and the last thing that she said before we left was don't forget that your family are your first friends. It was just one of those things that we were like, Okay, one hundred year old person think yeah, yeah, yeah, Like once you have three digits in your year, like you start to I told her, I said, I said, oh man, keeping limber for the next one hundred she goes. I hope not. She's at that age where every time we go over there, she just goes. I prayed that guy would take me last night and he didn't. You're like, okay, that's so sad. Good to see you too. Anyways, I have you never heard of Kevin McAllister. Yeah, he runs the restaurant that are like clothes. It's his restaurant. They got a good club sandwich. Yeah, no, it's not that. Not the same okay, not the same. No, Kevin McAllister was he was the center of a pretty wild event, okay, like Christmas nineteen ninety okay, him and his family. Well here, let's let's start from beginning of the story. His family. His dad, Peter worked in like corporate Chicago and had made like a pretty good name for himself, okay, and got pretty successful. Like here, here's an example, here's a good name of yeah. Okay, yeah, here's here's their home. They had a beautiful Chicago home in like suburb these days, though, I mean it's still it was mentioned in those days, in those days, not that long ago. Well, I mean it is, though it's like thirty years yeah, I guess, I guess. I yeah, thirty three thirty three years ago. Jeez, remember it, like okay, no, uh, but yeah, they were pretty successful and they they were I feel like this is like a like a rich person thing to do, where they on Christmas Day were like, We're going to go to France on the day of Christmas, like Christmas morning. I think it's a it's a it's an upper middle class thing to do because the flying on Christmas is cheaper than the other days. To be fair, this trip was a big trip, like they brought all their family and like who paid for it, Peter. I'm pretty sure Peter paid for the whole thing. I don't know. I don't know, Like the reports are are slim on who was paying for everyone's flights, but I do know it was like, yeah, it was it was the mcallisters, Peter and his wife Kate and their kids. But then also like they brought extended family, so it was like all the cousins and like the aunts and uncles and grandparents went on this trip too. Okay, so it was a big crew. There's actually a photo from another trip. This wasn't the same Christmas trip. I don't believe this is a Christmas trip. I think this is a different Christmas trip. I believe this is I'm not positive, but this I think this might have been next year. So two four six eight, Yeah, a lot of cousins. I think there's aunt and uncle photo too, but the rest of them are all cousins. They're all the cousins. Kevin is the little boy in the middle, like dead center that blue robot. So big family. So even if like like even if there's better rates on Christmas, like they they're buying a big family, like they're probably almost the whole plane. At what point is it more economical to fly private and that's like, that's really how I justify it. So I go, yeah, private economically, just economically, like that just makes more just makes more sense. And the Lord wants me to do it because I can reach more people this way, God told God said my plane the other wise. And I'm not trying to show off. I got watches more valuable than your cars. But but every time I land in the airport, people clap. They're like, yeah, we should do that at the airport, and we should clappers. People's getting we should have plants, hire people, should people who are not so higher people were in it, yeah, to do the little thing when they walk out, I didn't go to jail. If we did that, I think they would arrest you. What you do a tunnel. At the end of the tunnel, you get arrested. They think you about you knew that regular airlines activity. Okay, that is just regular. You know someone common on my thing. I made a video about tsa thing and they were like about, how like they owe you money if they yeah, someone common And it goes, well, that's not the same one Frontier and I comed like, why would I be flying Frontier? Sorry, this is a different this is a conversation for the people. You know, there should be separate security lines for those people. I remember there was a moment in time where I thought Frontier was the coolest airline and it was just because of their was because I was a child and they had commercials that appealed to well, I guess, yeah, you grew up in their market, didn't Yeah, yeah, I was. I was someone that because I think their whole marketing plan was we get the kids to think we're the coolest. That way, the parents buy tickets when they take their kids to Disney World. That's oh, I think that was why they did. They were flying Frontier. I don't know what they were flying. I don't know what's Frontier doing that in nineteen ninety Yes, it's probably like I don't know, American. I'd think American Airlines was the one, and I don't know sure, I don't have an answer to that question. But they bought like sixteen tigres. They bought a lot of tickets, and so everybody comes out, they come to Chicago first and they stay and do Christmas. They yeah, they do Christmas the night before, they do their family thing. And the reports of what happened on Christmas Eve before the trip are a little shody because it was only the family that was there, so we don't know. There's questions on like how legitimate the storyline really is. But allegedly there was a disagreement during dinner over some of the pizza or meals or something like that, and it got pretty heated between a couple of the cousins and it kind of hit a fever pitch with Kevin that the sun and I showed you in the front, and that led to like disciplinary action. His mom, Kate, walked him out of the room. They went upstairs and they kind of had an argument, and then the argument allegedly okay, Kevin screamed uh at at Kate and said that I think you're say he stabbed her. I was like, what are you building to right now? It's allegedly, yeah, this is where she tripped and fell down those stairs. What do you Allegedly Kevin yelled something. We don't know exactly what he yelled, but something to the effect of I wish I didn't I lived alone, I wish I didn't have any of my family, I wish you were all dead something like that. We don't know exactly what he said. But he yelled something along those lines to that effect, and she uh said, tonight, you're gonna have to sleep in the attic. Jeez, it seems like a disproportional you know, a child throws a fit. Here's the thing about Christmas time, Christmas family fights, right, yeah, is that none of you had vegetables in three weeks. That's the whole problem, dude. People come to Christmas and they're just stocked up on candy. No one's eating anything healthy. It's just freaking cornbread, ham and Mars bars. It's a ridiculous amount of can Yeah. And then and then you're just like, why do we always find it holidays? You're like, because none of you have had your green your diet is a mess. Yeah, and you're also all sleeping on couch. It like there's thirty two people sleeping in your house right now. That's a nightmare. Uncle Tom's chugged two gallons of milk. Like, that's not a good milk of milk. He keeps saying it's milk. But we know that's not milk. We can smell it. We know it's not milk. So he sleeps up in the attic. That night, all right, that we know for sure, Okay, and then what happens here is kind of crazy. It's like a finished addict does it have like he got air conditioners. It's a partially finished attic. I think it's kind of like I think this might be like a Chicago thing, or like maybe not even a Chicago thing, but like this is something that I think, like, I think certain regions treat addicts like we treat basements, where it's like like they'll put that up there, They'll put it like a living room type space up there. I think, I don't know, actually's pretty good, yeah, because the basements are never finishing those houses. Though the bases were never finishing those houses. They always treat the interest. It's interesting. Interesting. I think that's a thing that they do. Huh. All right, Anyways, overnight there was a slight storm that knocked the power out. And this is nineteen ninety, so nobody has cell phones, okay, and so because the power went out, the power came back on. No one noticed, no one realized the power went out. Sure power came back on, and all the alarm clocks in the house. I hate when this happens in a hotel Yeah, so they missed their wake up alarm. They wake up to the airport shuttle. Another thing we don't really do much anymore, but the airport shuttle came to pick them up. You do if you're upper middle class slash maybe rich. The airport shuttle comes to pick them up, knocks on the door. Yeah, my Uber black shut up personal driver. That's a pretty similar I guess that's the It's not Uber black though, an airport shuttle is is the Uber? Yeah? What's the uber where people ride with you? Uberpool? Yeah. I don't even don't speak the language, geez, it's an uberpool. Yeah. So the uber pool shows how they knock on the door. They wake up to the knock on the door and they're like, oh my gosh, our flight. Yeah, and so they just start panicking. Everybody started like throwing stuff, grabbing, grabbing each other. They're jumping in and as they're getting in the car, Kate recounts it as saying it was cass We had two shuttles. We had to count everybody, like, we had eight nine kids that are coming on this flight, and we had to figure it out. And so she said she enlisted one of the older daughters to go count all the kids, and one like, count, make sure we've got enough, and went through, counted all the heads. Well, what had happened was there was a neighbor boy who saw the commotion, had already celebrated Christas morning, got a new game boy, was out there playing with his game boy. Walks over and it's kind of talking to all of them. Sits in the shuttles, talking to the other neighbor kids, playing his game boy. Take this kid on a flight. Well, they count the kids. Child, you're not a kidnapper, you look like a kidnapper. I am. And so that she comes in and she's I was when I was twenty two, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Got a kidnapped on Christmas morning. So they count, They count all these kids, and she sees what she thinks is Kevin sitting there, but it's really the neighbor kid. She counts him as if he's Kevin, and then they she's like, yeah, we've got everyone. Meanwhile, that kid leaves the shuttle, like upstairs, I don't see. Nobody remembered Kevin's sleeping in the attic that night. They remember to this day he remembers that he slept in the attic that night. So Kevin's asleep up in the attict, no clue that anyone that any of this is happening. He's like just completely knocked out asleep. The shuttle leaves, they go to the airport, they have to like sprint to their gate. They get on the plane, the plane takes off their airborne before anyone realizes that Kevin's still asleep in the attic. And so meanwhile, col h, He's got to be like seven or eight at this time. I don't know, like he's a kid, he's a child. Allegedly he could be a thirty two year old person pretending to be a child. We don't know the facts. We don't know, we don't know. We just we're going off the reports from the family. Yeah, and so Kevin wakes up, and Kevin walks down from the attic. Luckily, like this is also an attict, This isn't an attict with like the yeah he'd stuck up there, Hey goy, Hey, hey, I get it. I'm sorry. Yeah. Now they're like there's stairs to this attic. So he walks downstairs and no one's there, and so he thinks in his little kid brain, He's like, I made my family disappear. He's like, when I like, I said my family, he said what I wish all of you go were gone? Like it worked. And so he he celebrates like he's having the time of his life this Christmas. He's excited, like yeah, he's like, he's like, I can watch our raid of movies. I can eat ice cream for breakfast. Like he's he's living the life. You know, well we all do at nineteen when we first move out. Yeah, You're like, oh my god, she can do whatever I want. And then and then you taste consequences for the first time. Then you gain seventy pounds and you're like wow. And then you take your credit card statement and you're like, oh that, and you find out where your credit score is in a pretty unpleasant way, and you realize that matters, and you're like, people care about that, old people care about that. Oh, and then you start drinking milk and Jack, you're like, hedge off, man, I'm so stressed. So okay. So he's living there, Beth, your best our son has been working hard and finally has an acceptable seven to twenty credits core. I keep telling him it can be higher, and he says that I'm working on it. I'm trying my best. The economy is what it used to be, you guys. You guys got it easy with the houses that you bought so cheap in your head, if you really look at the inflation, the minimum wage versus what a house costs these days, not that you do. Uh. So they're on the flight and Kate just his mom, Kevin's mom. Kate can't shake the feeling that she's forgetting something. Yeah. So they're sitting there and they're talking about. They're like, I feel like I forgot something, and her husband's like, maybe I left the garage rope. I might. I think that's it. I think I left the garage door open. Yeah, And she's like, no, that's not it. We're talking about. They're talking about. They're talking about it, and then she realizes nobody woke Kevin up. They're in the air on the way to free She pulls a gun. She's like, there's what's gonna get this plane down. She pulls the gun the cockpit and says, take me back to my child. That's the only way to get the plane down. Otherwise they're we're not right. Yeah, they didn't even care that she had a good Yeah. It turns out that the pilots were from Chicago and they were like, hey, that's how we're doing it. What we're doing it. Yeah, So she guys is playing all the way to Chicago or now all the way to France, she guess. They fly to France in the middle of flight. Nothing they can do about it, Yeah, and she's freaking out. She's having a hard time. The family is like trying to console her on the on the flight and she's like the second we land, I'm getting on another flight back to Chicago to go because Kevin. The dad's like, I mean it's fine. It's like, yeah, the food is gonna be great. We got tickets for a show tonight, like they're non refundable. Yeah, it's like, I I mean, let's be really, this was the highlight of their honeymoon. We have to go see. We made such a big deal. Friends just told this is the highlight, the highlight of their honeymoon. We bought the tickets. We got to do it. So Kevin, Kevin is home, Yeah, and a couple of interesting things start to happen while he's there one, he learns really quickly how to be an adult. He starts like pay bills and literally he's like, he's like taking care of the home. He's like trimming hedges. He's going to the grocery store and he's like buying himself like actual girl, not just like day one trim the hedges. His family leaves there. In the plan, he walk this house looks so such a freaking mess, the whole thing. It was a crazy shade. Agree, but it was not good time for him to be like so much. Should keep taking care of this. It was almost immediate. He just goes, I got to get well, I guess, takes the trash cans up. He's he's not. He's just gotta shipping this trash can on the driveway. Hey, thanks for being part of this episode. If you want to help us do more of this, you want to help us grow our show, one of the easiest and best ways to do that is to join our Patreon. It's a way for your financial to support this show, and you get a lot in return. You get access to our discord channel, you get bonus content that was out, you get exclusive merchandise, and like live Zoom hangouts where we're both just hanging out, eating pizza, just getting to know each other. The biggest thing is is we want to know you more as an individual and as a friend. So thanks for supporting our show. If you don't supports financially, we're not pressed about it. We're not like mad, but I'll find you. So text till in the six six eight sixty six to keep yourself from being found, all right, because if you don't, I will want you down dad. So we started taking care of the home. Meanwhile, there had been this string of burglaries in their neighborhood. Okay, from a group that was known as the Wet Bandits. That sounds a good joke. That sounds a good joke, but it was like their colleague cars. They would feed themselves that way. If they get caught. The first question is it, what are you doing in my house? It's down your house, right, it's your house. You hear some sprint down the hall running and then stop and then you stop. You go, hey did you pee your pants? And that's like a bison enough time to get out of there. Where the bandits suck up They say that yeah, no, what they were doing they had this calling card, so they would what they would do, they would break into homes of people who were out on vacation for like like Christmas. Yeah, yeah, and so they would break into these homes, but they wanted, I don't know why, they like wanted to put their signature on it. And so what they would do is they would leave the kitchen sink on when they left, and they would like stuff up the drain so it flood the whole house. And so they would steal all your stuff. But then also, yeah, it sucks, like it's pretty brutal. Yeah, and so h for water damage press for for stolen property press five, And you're like, Babe, which one do I should I do the water damage claim first or the stolen properly? There was a for the Wet Bandits, the Wet Bands Press six, but it's like, but it's like clearly so they had to record that because of the new string of stuff. So it's like for the for water damage, press five, for stolen property press six, for the Wet Bandits, Press seven, it's like clearly recorded the same for the Wet Bandits. For the Wet band You're not supposed to say, beef, I said that the press seven there, okay, and then you push the button and it goes, don't what hold on, I'm doing that song. I'm doing that. What you're doing, I'm doing sounds do it. I was doing what I would do on hold. You've done that. You've been on hold and the music is pretty good. So you're kind of like and then they go hello and you're like, Hi, you know what I'm saying. They heard you. They definitely heard you. Yeah, And you're like, so, like, would you turn your chair on me? If this is the voice? They're like, what would you turn anyway? Sorry, it's a it's a it's stolen property and it's a wet claim, Like, okay, my house is so wet drenched alright, just calling a flexol. My house is so property value in front of us. I know you're sappy. White House Tour February second in Berlin, Maryland. We'll see you there. So so the Wet band, it's yeah. They ended up getting caught eventually. Their names are are Harry and Marva and uh Harry. The game that they would do is Harry would go around the neighborhood and he would case the neighborhood dressed as a cop and he would go door to door and he would say he would ring the doorbell and talk to the homeowners and say, hey, there's a string of burglaries in the area. We want to make sure that all of our neighbors are taking the proper precautions. Let me know what you're doing. Yeah, what what's your security program? Are you traveling anytime? Do you? What's your pets names, what's your Yeah, what kind of car did you drive? Yeah, So he'd get all that information about them, find out if they were traveling anytime soon. And he would also because they he was an officer, like dressed like an officer, they would find there, he'd get an inventory of what they have in the house and what they he was targeting and when they would break in. Like it was kind of smart, like a smart way to case the neighborhood. Sure, and people fell for it. And so he actually, uh did this with the mcallisters a couple of days before their trip. He showed up, did the same thing and they're like, Yeah, we're going to France on Christmas morning and we're gonna do the whole thing. And yeah, we've got the timers on the lights like everything you can do to be secure and safe, and he got to see everything that they had. So they made plans the day after Christmas to come back and and hit the McAllister home because they knew they were going to be out of town. Well, Kevin's there. Uh yeah, so Kevin hedge clippers hedges. He gave me inside, he gave he gave the family Volkswagen an oil change, grease allovers figure. He couldn't even YouTube it. He's making a steak on the grail of the car. Like the car is hard enough that he just knows how to cook it right. He's just out there and the engine's running. He's just, eh, I'm cooking. I'm an army guy. You know a r M. Why you're not gonna know how I So Harry and Marvs show up to hit the house and he's he's inside. He's in the kitchen and he's watching an R rated movie, one of the like a family favorite classic Christmas movie. And there's been debate on what movie this is, like people can't track down, Like he says, it's a Christmas He's like, he's I don't know what the movie was. It was the one that my family was watching that year. It's an R rated movie. And in that movie, there's kind of like an argument between a couple of criminals that ends in like one of the criminals gunning down the guy with like a Tommy gun geez. And it's a violent, like R rated movie. I Wish You were never born, you know. It's like really guns him down, you know. And so he hears he hears the wet bandits trying to get in in his kitchen, and so he takes the VHS and runs to the kitchen TV the out of VHS in there, and he puts the VHS in fast forwards it to that moment in the movie, and he has some firecrackers. He puts them in a pot and he times it. He like lights the firecrackers, so the firecrackers go off the same time that the guns fire and like cranks the movie. So the guys are trying to get in that back door and then they hear this argument through the door and then they hear the firecracker line up with the gunshot sounds in the movie, and they think that someone well they think someone beat them to it, and they were having a disagreement over the take, and then they someone killed someone and so they freak out. They run. They're like someone beat us to the score, like we missed our chance, and they're like frick. So they leave. They run away, and Kevin is like, Okay, we survived, but I don't know what that was about. Like I'm a little nervous, like I gotta yeah, I gotta find a way to protect myself. Uh. They continue casing the house. Thinking from his kid though, that is pretty sharp. Let's be real, we've learned some things about him already, like he was very quickly ready to just be these and he didn't take like it didn't take a second for him to figure it out. He started shaving. That was another thing he said. He said he started shaving. He didn't need to. Yeah, he's just made himself. It's just literally just cutting his face to I don't think like I'm just my dad does this? Why do they do this? I guess you after a while now, you know, was trying to break in. Freddy Krueger opens the door a kid voice, and they're like, I'm more afraid of this guy. He's got the hedge clipper clip has one man, chest covered in grease, face covered in blood, I'm scared too merry Christmas. So they started chasing the house for a little bit sure, and they start to they start to realize something's awry because they have this experience where they think someone got gun down in the house. Kevin quick thinking goes and he finds like throughout his house. He's like, okay, I got to make sure that it seems like people are living here still, like there's still stuff going on. Okay, So he goes and he his mom has like a like one of those like wig head dolls, you know what I'm talking about, like the mannequin heads that you can still on. So he sets up a couple of those, like okay, I store my odd job hats on little mannequins, and just they're very large, you know. He sets those up at like the dining room table, puts one on the end of the Christmas for anyone in your family with a massive head. And like his prop code. His older brother has like a like a Michael Jordan like cardboard cutout, and so like het, he starts setting these up around the house. Like he puts one of them on like a train, so like moves around the house and then turns all the lights on, so through the windows saying like yeah they would. They would then try to break in and see a mannequin head and someone lives here. No, so through the window shades it would look like people. Like interesting, So they come back to kiss the house. They see this, and they're like, what's going on? Like some last night someone died in there, but now they're having a party, like a Christmas party, and so they start to think something shady is going on. Eventually they put two and two together and realize that this kid's this kid's like playing trying to play us and the kid. The kid somehow gets win as what's going on as well, Like he realizes these people are kising the house. I don't know if he sees them outside a bunch or whatever, but he's figuring it out. And and here's where things get strange. I don't know if Kevin's parents just never like this is the this is the height of stranger danger. This is the height of like the Dare program. Like you would think he would know call nine one one, like you would think they would have taught him this, but he he never does the police, never calls the police. Instead, he puts together a war plan, and in sort of a shorter episode, if he called the police of yeah, this event would have been as interesting. So he puts together this war plan to defend his home from the Wet Bandits. He doesn't realize they are the Wet Bandits yet. Meanwhile, his mom is traveling across the world to try to get to him. So she lands in France, and in France, they're like, hey, like, the next flight back to Chicago with the quickest we could get you there is two days, and she's like that's not good enough, and so she starts trying to like trade plane tickets with people manages, which I guess you could do in the nineties. Yeah, that is interesting, Like I don't know if like, could you just do that? Yeah? Could you just be like, hey, I'll give you give your ticket off home alone? Right now? I gotta get back to it. I don't believe you put the gun away. You could have just asked me, I'm not going to give it to you. Is that you are you trying to tell me I have a gun right now? So they so she she manages to get a flight back to the States, but doesn't get to Chicago, and so she starts having to like try to find connecting flights. Long story short, she ends up like going through like she gets back to the States, and then she has to like, there is a you're not gonna believe this. There's a polka band that's on tour. They flew in. I believe in a polka band. I just don't believe in a polka band on tour. I don't know if that's the part that I buy. There's a poke band on tour and they're trying to fly back to Chicago. They like their tours over they're trying to fly back, but they're all the flights were canceled out of whatever airport they ran at the time, and so they decided they were going to rent a U haul and they were all going to sit in the back of the U haul truck and ride back to Chicago. And you can hitch a ride with us with our Poke band, with our Poke band of his you haul. And so she's she agrees to this, but I mean, I mean it's it's a long drive and a in the winter storm. Yeah, so she could get the two days later anyway, it's kind of like just taken the She didn't realize that when she left. I guess yeah. Meanwhile, the rest of the families see in Paris, they're like the good thing Kevin's not here. He would have really ruined. It's actually way should do this? Should we put them up for adoption? Should we get rid of Kevin? Maybe this is bad. Maybe when we go to New York next year we should just hide him. So just leave them there. That's a pretty good idea. So Kevin puts together this battle plan. Okay, and he I mean not gonna lie kind of look up to the plan he put together, Like, he put together this plan where he be trapped the heck out of his house. And so for example, he got like a I don't even know what these are called. Thanks man for I don't know what this? What is this? And someone tell you what this is? I've been triggering too much, jacket milk. I can't figure it out. It opens. That's crazy. You see this epen. It's like a whole new thing. Well, I want to see something crazy. This is the church. Here's the steeple you're opening up. Here's all the people. This, this is the church. Here's a steeple. My gun. People choose a different letters. You can yell it. Why this just came up to me, that's gonna be and asked, why did you be your pants? Okay, stupid, No, they're there are these things. They're like like a it's like a little heating element. Like you plug it in and there's there's just a coil that you use. I don't know what you use it for. You use it to heat stuff. I don't know, I'm not sure what it's. Okay, it's just a heating element. So you put this heating element on the door, so the door knob got super hot. Yeah, burn you. And then like in his comes home, Let's say say the Polka pan arrives and now it's like she comes inside, she open, she gets the door opens inside the door, he had put all of his matchbox cars around the floor, so like you slip on the cars, f on the floor. She falls and yeah, he breaks her arm. Yeah, And so he does stuff like that, like at every doorway there's cars or the glass Christmas orb ornaments by every windows. Like you climb in, you're you're stepping on ornaments and breaking those. He also like the stairs, the stairs up to the front porch and the stairs down to the back, like they had one of those back basement cellar doors. He sprayed down with water so froze and got all icy. Oh, he's like, here's your calling card. Yeah, wet bandit's more like slip bandits slippy boys. Slippy boys. And then like he uh, the basement stairs. This is like particularly diabolical. He up the basement stairs. He like tarred them so they were super sticky. So if you stepped on him and like pulled your shoes and your socks off of them all the way up until eventually like he like counted, I guess it was smart. One shoe, one shoe, one sock on sock, one shoe, one sock, and then it was just a nail. So you just step right. That's the quiet place is in that movie. No, did the monsters do it in that movie. No, the monsters didn't do it. But she steps on the nail and he supposed to be quiet, you know, she steps on the nail and she's that's rough. Yeah, that's really rough. Yeah, they didn't have to be quiet, though, I mean would be smarter too. Luckily they were yelling quiet letters. Hey, thanks for checking out this episode. If you like this one. We've got a lot of great past episodes that you can check out. One of my recent favorites is Frank Abagneil Junior. It's the dude from the movie Cast Me if you can, and it's the story about how he scammed everybody into a really big scam. There's one scam that's like the scammingest of scams I've ever heard someone scam. So check that one out. It's it's a fun one. I like it a lot. But thanks for being here. They've broken the house. Then they did get in. They kind of split up and so they found different ways in because because they quickly realized, like this house is booby chapped, and so they split up to try to find different ways in. And it was just like, one at what point do you give up? Though? You know, like, at what point you're trying to rob us? You've already got so many other houses in the neighborhood because it's a issue for these guys. I think it is I have let me see. Oh, I do have a picture of them. This is I think this photo was taken the night of the arrest. But it's strange because they're not like it's not like a mug shot. And it's also they're not in the squad car, so I don't know if the police were like, hey, say cheese, but this is the two guys. Oh my gosh, wait, this guy looks at that dude from my cousin Vinnie, is kind of looksrettys a lot like him. This guy looks like, uh, oh gosh, what's on his face? So there was a hot iron that got dropped on his face at one point while they were in the house. The other guy, he actually that he had a blowtorch burned the top of his bean. That's why his bean looks like that. And he actually fed like tartan feather like those jokes, Like he gave it a room and I think it was like a like a floor fan that he's set up with, like like he rigged with a bunch of feathers and so like it was like honey, I think. So he got covered in the honey and then the feather the feathers got blown all over them. And how does it end? Though? I mean like like so, I mean, how many different traps should go through? This is what I'm saying about these burglars. Why you could just quit any time you could just go this is not worth it. So he created this double a match box. It's kind of over it's kind of like, yeah, we got to get this kid. It's kind of like getting maced, Like if you make me, I'm just going to attack you harder. Okay, let's put that on the internet. That was my line. That's why you maced me. That's what I said that led to you macing me was attack me harder. Yeah, that's what I said. I said, I don't think that's a real form of self defense. I think if you make me, I'm just going to attack you. And let's see. Yeah, then we learned, and we learned. It's a very good Now see what happens after? So he leads them through this house of terrors essentially sure, and he's very clearly like orchestrating their movements. It's like a haunted house. It's like it's like you're going to do this booby trap and it's going to lead you here. It's going to lead you here, all leading them up to the attic like he chases. He has them chase him up up the stairs and he hangs paint cans from like some ropes that swung down and like hit him in the face while they were coming up the stair. Like crapy stuff gets them to chase them all the way up to the attic. Who cleans all this up? The fire department? Right when stuff like this happens, the fire departments, right right, I come home, I go. I would have rather than just flooded the house. Kevin, like, all this stuff is protected by insurance. You do him? Do this? Just call nine one. Oh, I couldn't remind Kevin, you're just lexing. I called one nine nine and the guy said, stop calling me. He's like, hey, leave me along, leave me alone. This is a common mistake people make. Nor Rad the literal Air Force shows up. Yeah, they air strigged his house. Yeah, we him target acquired, We got target, destroy target a little bit. Yeah, k comes home. It's literally a crator. Yeah. What did he do? Kevin's thought him. I tried to take care of the house really good. I did some broken ornaments. I did some matchbox cars. I have one of them. He got hit in the face of the iron and then I called it an air strike from the United States Air Force. We bumped that out of Oh. But you know what, though, maybe he didn't call the police because he thought because the because the guy guy was a cop, yeah, and he thought they were dirty. Maybe he thought that if he called the police, they'd be like, yeah, we freaking know, what did you call my house getting broken into it? They're like, oh, we know, we know you should just we know, we're aware. Our best guys out there, all right, So what happened? So he gets them to chase him up to the attic where he had set up a zipline from the attic to his treehouse. Okay, and uh, they chase him up there. He's like, he's like, I'm gonna go to the treehouse and call nine one one. I'm calling the cops. You better stop me. And he ziplines to the treehouse. And when you're in a zip line, not like this like I'm doing. I went to a main event the other night. They have a small zip line it's like forty feet the ropes course stuff yeah yeah, And I've done like a rubs course at youth camps and I was like, I'm not going to do that. I can't do that. And then the guy who's like a little bigger than I am, Uh, he goes, I do it, and then he ran up there and this guy, the guy, he acted like he lived on the ropes course because like me and Ray are the only ones up. There's a Monday night, it's a slow night at main event, and we're like going, you know, we're doing our shoot, you know, and this guy is just like like a freaking you see nach leb Yeah, right, you know the girl crossed through the tunnels, that's what he looks like, just freaking. Then you'd be like he's just and he's over on the other side, and you're like, what the heck and he just what the heck. So then I'm like kind of looking at it and he just like appears he's like I'll do it, Okay, okay, and he's like I'm like, I'm bigger than you are. He said, you can do it. I was like, ok right, and then he went and then so that forty feet was terrifying for me. Yeah, this is a similar situation, except for it's it's a zipline and he built himself that afternoon. Yeah, and this is like if I fall, I'm going to get a really good I kind of wanted to. Yeah, I got to pay some debt main events gonna I'm gonna assume him. He built it using the handlebars from his bike, and so he oh, he hooked that up on this rope and just ziplined across to uh his his treehouse. And he talked about it in like a news report and he said that was the one part that he wasn't very confident in, Like he was like, he's like, I didn't know if that was going to work. I was very scared. And it did. He made it, and like it was like I'm calling the cops, like coercing them to crawl across the zip line. And so he waited for them to get up on the zip line and they're like shimming. They don't have a zipper on the line. They're just climbing the zip line from the attic to the treehouse. He waits for them to get about to the middle of the line and then reveals that he had set the hedge clippers up there that he's clipping the hedges with. And so he gets out there and he clips the lines. They swing back. You've got a sophisticated system for burger rising homes. And then a nine year old child is looking you in the eye holding your destiny, and just that hurts more than any physical pain that could have taken place. I mean, the even beat beat hard at this point, like they are in bad in a bad situation, and so they swing back into the house. He climbs out of the out of the the treehouse and he runs across the street to a neighbor's house who he knew was also out of town, and he breaks into this house. It's also here's the thing, here's the thing. He runs into this other house, breaks into this house. Uh, the bandits had already hit this house. It's flooded, and so they had already broken into the He didn't know that. So he breaks in there and he goes to try to get to a phone because here's that was the problem. It is like he set up this whole play like he was going to call the cops from that treehouse. But it's a treehouse. There's no phone there, so he has to go get to a phone. And finally, after this whole like event of him leading them on and like having them chase he has the upper hand, they finally like are like they at smart them, and so they go through the back door while he's going through the front door and they can catch up. He can't sneak up on them, you know what I'm saying, Like they're just like what the o trying to swim? It's not deep enough they trying to swim. It's like an inch. He's just like, I'm swim what are you doing? Can get off the floor? So uh, they catch him and they Kevin says that they picked him up and they hung him like buy his coat on a coat rack, and they're like threatening to like bite his fingers off or something crazy like it was like what kind of crazy? Like you know, a lady did that to my brother at Subway once. This is a real story. There was a lady at my hometoad. There's a lady at my hometown who we all we all knew she was insane, all right, but she would just go around town. She would ride along with the newspapers in her yard. Oh I have told you about her. She had like they're hanging from her trees and stuff. Yes, yeah, okay, okay, but I only I've said that on the podcast before. Ye like you did to go by her house. All her windows are covered in newspaper. She got newspaper clips hanging from the tree like freaking ornaments or whatever, like outside of her house. Just yeah, oh yeah. But she'd ride around town on her bike and then if you were just anywhere near, she'd scream at you and she'd be like right, but she's the most lookable that person you ever seen. She want to look. You told me about her because I saw her at You did see her, yes, and you were like, there's this crazy lady. And I was like, see, that's crazy, I said, I said, why is there a mannequin out front? Right? And I was like, no, that's a real person and she's crazy. She did not move. I'm not even kidding when I say she didn't even flinch. Like she was out there. I pulled up, I saw her standing there. Yeah, and like I walked past her, walked in, she didn't even move, walked out, walk past he again, she didn't move, and I backed up and I remember staring at her and being like, why did they put this out here? She hates me? Look because she was at Subway and my brother was four at the time, and he's clearly a four year old who looks at someone who looks insane and goes and she turns and goes, you don't quit, look at me, I'm gonna break your fingers off, like straight up said that. So pretty similar scenario. Similar anyway, So they hang them up, threatening to bite his fingers off. Luckily, and this was like just a pure stroke of luck. The neighbor of that house had heard the commotion when Kevin cut that wire, cut the zip line and looked at the window to see two guys swinging from this cut zipline across the house looking like they got beat to death. And then they sees Kevin run out and run into that house looking all afraid. So he grabs a snowshovel and follows him in and sees them catch Kevin, and he just bogs him on the back of the head with the snowshovel. Had already caught the cops and so like knocks them out, grabs Kevin. The police show up, they arrest the wet bandits, and Kevin survives the whole encounter. Ironically, Kevin was afraid. This was the neighborhood. Neighbor in the neighborhood that Kevin was afraid, Like everyone was like, oh, he's a murderer, Like oh, it was like the guy that was the scary guy in the neighborhood. Yeah, it'd be like if the bike lady saved me, she comes up on her bike and doesn't they have you ever seen police training with her bike and they did that they go back up, you know, like if the lady came I'm dying. You heard those videos from twenty twenty two or there's sorry protests and all of a sudden, these breaking bike squads were like, we're intimidating, and you're like, you're not intimidating. When you wear a bike out, you're gonna put away. Kevin spends the next day cleaning the house up, decorating for Christmas, and like gets it turned around just in time for his mom to show up. Wait, do the police not? Are the police not? Like? Where are your parents? Police are just like feel free to go home? Parents? Got the police, get the West the web bandits and they go, all right, thanks for your statement. Do you got somebody you can go or you can't say here? I mean you get you gonna go home tonight? Or all right in Chicago Fish to fry kid, Yeah, goes home and so his mom comes home, His mom comes home. The next day, his mom comes home the next day, he's sleeping upstairs. She gets home early in the morning. She goes, he's been a sleeping the whole time. Well, she gets in the house and the house is clean. The house, the Christmas decorations are up. They didn't even decorate for Christmas. They were so excited for this trip. He decorates her Christmas first Grinch to the house, and so he decorated. Like she wakes him up and he goes, it was a dream the whole time, and that Yeah, she gets there, she finds him. He tells her everything that happened, and like she goes, okay, She's like, all right, let's the we'll schedule doctor's appointment for this week and see what's going on in that man showed up. She's like, we're throwing away all the bend trill. And then just as like he's they're coming downstairs. He's telling her all about this. The front door opens and the rest of the family got home, Like they got on that two day flight. The flight that was two days later, and they got home like pretty much the same time as her. Yeah, and I mean for them, it was kind of just like a mistake, Like the family didn't like, there was no charges or anything against anyone in the family, but it is kind of like a man, you guys put your kid in a rough spot. Yeah, so like there was kind of a public like backpack of like yeah, like what you idiots? Yeah, because they, I mean, they really did put their kids in a rough spot. But he did catch the wet bandits, who was a pretty hairy problem for the town for a while. So wow. Yeah, this is the story of how Kevin McCallister saved Christmas. I guess I don't know how he did it. Well, he fiddled off those bandits. How he did it? Hey, thanks for checking out this episode. If you liked it, you can subscribe or watch some more episodes or some clips. But then I need to make this like twenty seconds. My producer said it has to be longer, so I'm just gonna keep talking for a little bit and is this long enough? Connor? Okay, cool? Yeah, thanks for being here.

The podcast tells the story of Kevin McCallister, a young boy who gets accidentally left behind when his family goes on a Christmas trip to France. While home alone, Kevin has to fend off two burglars called the “Wet Bandits,” who are trying to rob his house. Kevin sets up creative booby traps like heating doorknobs, putting ornaments by windows, and greasing the stairs to stop the bandits. The bandits keep trying to break in despite getting injured by the traps.

Eventually, Kevin leads them to his treehouse and cuts the zip line, causing them to fall. His neighbor rescues him, and the police arrest the bandits. Meanwhile, Kevin’s mom is desperately trying to get back home to him. In the end, she arrives home just as Kevin has cleaned up the traps and decorated them for Christmas. Kevin managed to cleverly defend his home and catch the notorious burglars through his resourcefulness.

Things I Learned Last Night is an educational comedy podcast where best friends Jaron Myers and Tim Stone talk about random topics and have fun all along the way. If you like learning and laughing a lot while you do, you’ll love TILLN. Watch or listen to this episode right now!




Kevin McCallister – Home Alone Wiki

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